Post by jadedsage on Apr 27, 2004 12:28:12 GMT -5
Ancient Man provides answers to weather woes
Published April 25 2004
Tony Gabriele
I took this vacation, most of which I spent wondering if the nonstop rainfall was going to wash me down the side of a mountain. So now I'm wondering: Why is there weather, anyway?
Weather has been a mystery for ages, back to the time of Ancient Man. Ancient Man was very concerned about the weather, because he lived closer to the elements. (Though farther away from the compounds.) "Can't you do something about this weather?" Ancient Woman kept asking him. "Or at least invent the enclosed shopping mall?"
Therefore, Ancient Man explained the weather through ancient myths, which were creative and profound. Although weird. For example, lightning was supposed to come from this god named Zeus. Whenever Zeus (or Jupiter, as he started calling himself because Ancient Man kept mispronouncing "Zeus") got annoyed at what we humans were up to down below, he would chuck some lightning bolts at us.
According to the myths, Zeus got his lighting bolts manufactured by an assistant god named Hephaestus. (Who started calling himself Vulcan, because Ancient Man got really big laughs when he tried to pronounce "Hephaestus.") Now, of course, we realize this isn't true. Because of modern science, we know that lightning is static electricity, which Zeus produced by scuffing his feet as he walked across his carpet.
These ancients also came up with a passel of other weather-related gods, goddesses and goddettes - Apollo, god of the sun; Persephone, goddess of spring; Obscuritie, goddess of fog; Chillius, god of cold fronts; Dampne, goddess of steady drizzle; Icyrodes, god of freezing rain; Buffaloes, god of lake-effect snowstorms; Wetarmpites, god of August humidity; Dentinus, god of hail the size of golf balls; and Idiotes, god of people who go around in midsummer asking, "Hot enough for you?" And many others, some of whom I might not even have made up. I think.
Nowadays, thanks to the science of meteorology (derived from the words "meteor," meaning "a meteor," and "ology," meaning "has nothing to do with the weather, so far as we can tell"), we know there are other things that commit weather. For instance, there is the jet stream. This is a long, snaky arrow that wiggles across TV weather maps of the United States, right after they show you the Doppler Radar but before they give you the five-day forecast.
Actually, the jet stream resembles the ancient gods, inasmuch as you can look up into the sky all you want and you never actually see it. Although there have been alleged sightings in Roswell, New Mexico.
Just what the jet stream does, though, has never been clear to me. All I can figure is, the clouds see that giant arrow wiggling through the sky toward them, and they get scared and rush to get out of the way, which creates wind. That leads to the clouds banging into each other, which causes bruises that make the clouds turn purple, which as you know makes rain fall out of them.
Now there are worries that we people may be changing the weather. There is the "greenhouse effect," which supposedly is making the Earth warmer.
I have my own theory. It is the "air conditioner effect."
Look, the air gets hot inside your house, so you turn on an air conditioner. Cold air comes into your house. So, where did the hot air go? Outside the house, obviously. The atmosphere is being heated up by all the hot air squirted out of buildings by air conditioners!
There are a lot more air conditioners around today than there are greenhouses, so it makes sense to me. And when do people start turning on their air conditioners? Around the month of May. As a result, it just keeps getting hotter for the next three months. I rest my case.
You may ask, "But wasn't it hot in summer before there was air conditioning?" Frankly, I have my doubts. Look at the pictures of those 18th-century guys, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, wearing those wool jackets and britches and waistcoats and wigs and stuff.
You never saw a portrait of Franklin wearing shorts and a T-shirt, did you? And don't tell me Ben Franklin wasn't smart enough to dress suitably for the weather.
Besides, Franklin invented the stove. Clearly he was more concerned about keeping warm than keeping cool, otherwise he would have invented air conditioning.
So you can see we have many things still to learn about the weather, including that most baffling mystery of all: Why does it always seem to rain more often on weekends and holidays?
I blame Postponia, the goddess of vacation trip cancellations.
Tony Gabriele can be reached at 247-4786 or by e-mail at tgabriele@dailypress.com
Published April 25 2004
Tony Gabriele
I took this vacation, most of which I spent wondering if the nonstop rainfall was going to wash me down the side of a mountain. So now I'm wondering: Why is there weather, anyway?
Weather has been a mystery for ages, back to the time of Ancient Man. Ancient Man was very concerned about the weather, because he lived closer to the elements. (Though farther away from the compounds.) "Can't you do something about this weather?" Ancient Woman kept asking him. "Or at least invent the enclosed shopping mall?"
Therefore, Ancient Man explained the weather through ancient myths, which were creative and profound. Although weird. For example, lightning was supposed to come from this god named Zeus. Whenever Zeus (or Jupiter, as he started calling himself because Ancient Man kept mispronouncing "Zeus") got annoyed at what we humans were up to down below, he would chuck some lightning bolts at us.
According to the myths, Zeus got his lighting bolts manufactured by an assistant god named Hephaestus. (Who started calling himself Vulcan, because Ancient Man got really big laughs when he tried to pronounce "Hephaestus.") Now, of course, we realize this isn't true. Because of modern science, we know that lightning is static electricity, which Zeus produced by scuffing his feet as he walked across his carpet.
These ancients also came up with a passel of other weather-related gods, goddesses and goddettes - Apollo, god of the sun; Persephone, goddess of spring; Obscuritie, goddess of fog; Chillius, god of cold fronts; Dampne, goddess of steady drizzle; Icyrodes, god of freezing rain; Buffaloes, god of lake-effect snowstorms; Wetarmpites, god of August humidity; Dentinus, god of hail the size of golf balls; and Idiotes, god of people who go around in midsummer asking, "Hot enough for you?" And many others, some of whom I might not even have made up. I think.
Nowadays, thanks to the science of meteorology (derived from the words "meteor," meaning "a meteor," and "ology," meaning "has nothing to do with the weather, so far as we can tell"), we know there are other things that commit weather. For instance, there is the jet stream. This is a long, snaky arrow that wiggles across TV weather maps of the United States, right after they show you the Doppler Radar but before they give you the five-day forecast.
Actually, the jet stream resembles the ancient gods, inasmuch as you can look up into the sky all you want and you never actually see it. Although there have been alleged sightings in Roswell, New Mexico.
Just what the jet stream does, though, has never been clear to me. All I can figure is, the clouds see that giant arrow wiggling through the sky toward them, and they get scared and rush to get out of the way, which creates wind. That leads to the clouds banging into each other, which causes bruises that make the clouds turn purple, which as you know makes rain fall out of them.
Now there are worries that we people may be changing the weather. There is the "greenhouse effect," which supposedly is making the Earth warmer.
I have my own theory. It is the "air conditioner effect."
Look, the air gets hot inside your house, so you turn on an air conditioner. Cold air comes into your house. So, where did the hot air go? Outside the house, obviously. The atmosphere is being heated up by all the hot air squirted out of buildings by air conditioners!
There are a lot more air conditioners around today than there are greenhouses, so it makes sense to me. And when do people start turning on their air conditioners? Around the month of May. As a result, it just keeps getting hotter for the next three months. I rest my case.
You may ask, "But wasn't it hot in summer before there was air conditioning?" Frankly, I have my doubts. Look at the pictures of those 18th-century guys, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, wearing those wool jackets and britches and waistcoats and wigs and stuff.
You never saw a portrait of Franklin wearing shorts and a T-shirt, did you? And don't tell me Ben Franklin wasn't smart enough to dress suitably for the weather.
Besides, Franklin invented the stove. Clearly he was more concerned about keeping warm than keeping cool, otherwise he would have invented air conditioning.
So you can see we have many things still to learn about the weather, including that most baffling mystery of all: Why does it always seem to rain more often on weekends and holidays?
I blame Postponia, the goddess of vacation trip cancellations.
Tony Gabriele can be reached at 247-4786 or by e-mail at tgabriele@dailypress.com
