milknsnickers
Junior Member
A silent witch beneath the silver moon works, A howling in the distance heard...
Posts: 40
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Post by milknsnickers on Jul 16, 2003 14:59:38 GMT -5
Ok this doesnt really have anything to do with Paganism, but I figure maybe someone here could help. I've been seeing this guy for about a year and a half. We met my freshman year in highschool second semester, and we really hit it off. After a month we started dating. He met my mom and she liked him, but since I dont have a dad she told him to talk to our pastor to get permission for us to date. The pastor gave us permission. Then, I met his parents(his dad and stepmom) and they didnt like me. He was a junior and 16 and i was a freshman and 14. They said I was too young for him and forced us to break up. They told us we could date when I turned 16. Since then we have dated off and on with the support of my mom and his mom. Everything was ok until my mom found out that we were having sex(which started the day I met his parents, and we have been very sexually active since). We had a long talk with both of our moms. His mom knew about it and didnt mind, but my mom really freaked out a forbid us from seeing each other outside of school. Well now he has graduated, but he comes over occasionaly. My mom found out that he was calling and said that if he kept trying to stay in contact with me, she would make me move and switch schools. He is my first love and vis versa. I love him very much and he loves me just the same. It tortures us to not be able to be together, and when we are its the only time either of us are happy. Since I am 16 now he wants me to talk to my mom about us being able to date, but the last time I brought him up, she freaked out and said she'd make me move. The two of us want to be together so bad, We know each other better than anyone else does. In fact, today he told me that he was an atheist, and he hasn't told anyone else. He is also one of the few ppl that know I am wiccan, and even asks me about it from time to time. Not only are we in love, and having sex, be we are best friends, we tell each other everything no matter what. I want to be with him so bad but I dont know what to do!!! If any body has any ideas please please tell me!!!
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Post by jadedsage on Jul 16, 2003 15:29:23 GMT -5
First question. How long ago was the last time you spoke to your mother about him. Second question, what does he do now? Is he in college now, or is he working? Third Question, are you on the Pill or do you use some other sort of protection (please tell me the answer is yes to one of those options)
Now, advise from a mother's perspective? I can understand why your mother "freaked" at finding later that you had already started having sex. Perhaps if you had talked to her earlier about your intentions, things might have gone differently. As a mother myself, I know that it would have upset me as well. Perhaps, since you seem to have the continuing support of his mother, you could ask her assistance in speaking with your mother. It might come easier for her to accept your wishes if another adult is lending support. Concessions could be made as to the times of dates, or where you go, or who goes with you. Then perhaps a common middle ground, treatis as it were, could be agreed upon. I would not suggest, however, continuing to date behind your mother's back. That would be ethically a very bad decision I think. And could only serve to exacerbate the situation.
On the flip side, being so much in love is a wonderful thing, and if you ARE both committed to this relationship for the long haul, then perhaps you should give your mother more time. That is something that the two of you need to discuss, to be prepared to deal with any eventuality. He needs to understand the position that you are in at home, and you both need to understand from your mother's perspective.
I don't know if any of this helps, but please feel free to contact me via e-mail or instant messager on yahoo. If it comes down to really needing help, let me know and I'll give you my number. I'm more than willing to be your sounding board.
Bless'd Be and best of luck.
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milknsnickers
Junior Member
A silent witch beneath the silver moon works, A howling in the distance heard...
Posts: 40
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Post by milknsnickers on Jul 16, 2003 17:18:48 GMT -5
He will be going to college in the same town as we both live starting in the fall, and is currently looking for a job (he got fired from his last one). I am on "the patch" so yes we are protected. I can understand that she didnt like the fact that I didn't talk to her about it, but she's never really been that kind of person... and she's always made me feel like the door to that conversation was closed. I dunno
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Post by jadedsage on Jul 16, 2003 21:04:47 GMT -5
I take it that where you live, you don't need parents permission to get contraceptives of the nature of the "patch". Speaking as a parent, trust me, its a mother thing. Discussing with your teen particulars about sex, with the knowledge that she either is going to, or already has used that information is a tough pill to swallow. We worry.
I'm sure that things will pass in time. Try talking about it with his mother, maybe she can help. Until then, both you and he need to understand that you may have to wait for each other for a bit. If it is really love, and I've no doubt that it is, then it shouldn't hurt the relationship, and it may help to repair any damage done to your relationship with your mother. Talking about it is going to be tough, but should be done. And from the sound of it, the sooner the better.
Don't forget, I'm here if you need. Bless'd Be
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milknsnickers
Junior Member
A silent witch beneath the silver moon works, A howling in the distance heard...
Posts: 40
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Post by milknsnickers on Jul 17, 2003 22:16:18 GMT -5
No actually my mom took me and made me get on birth control when she found out. She also made me get a pregnacy test.
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Post by jadedsage on Jul 18, 2003 10:15:48 GMT -5
Your Mom seems to be a reasonable, and intelligent person. I don't think talking to her is going to be as difficult as you think. Let me know how things go, and if I can be of help.
Luck and Bless'd be
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milknsnickers
Junior Member
A silent witch beneath the silver moon works, A howling in the distance heard...
Posts: 40
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Post by milknsnickers on Jul 21, 2003 0:09:55 GMT -5
Well, my mom isn't exactly the kind of person who listens and even if she does she doesn't hear. For example, I've been telling her I didn't really want the responsiblity of taking care of the fish for about 2 weeks now and she heard me only when I got upset and yelled. Mind you I got grounded for that. It seems like its a no win situation whit this woman. I'm only 16 and I'm already making plans to move out 7/10/05 (as soon as I turn 18). She is a very difficult person to live with. /me
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Post by jadedsage on Jul 21, 2003 7:15:19 GMT -5
difficult to live with I understand. I left home at 17 and joined the Marine Corps, largly in part due to the relationship, or lack thereof, that I had with my mother. It took 3000 miles of country between us to make us friends. I hope it doens't take drastic measures of that kind to repair your relationship with you mother. However, having been there myself, I am here for you; with complete understanding and support. THough I do advocate trying to work it out, I know that sometimes it just isn't possible. Do try all other avenues before you take the route of moving out if you can. In the long run, it would be much easier on the both of you.
Bless'd Be.
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milknsnickers
Junior Member
A silent witch beneath the silver moon works, A howling in the distance heard...
Posts: 40
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Post by milknsnickers on Jul 21, 2003 18:54:45 GMT -5
I try my best to make things work out, but she always has to make something out of everything. I dunno why, but she does. She's always been like that, but its gotten worse as I've gotten older. It's like she wants to argue with me, but she always yells at me not to argue. Its a no-win situation with her. I dunno what else to try. Thats why I want to move out ASAP....
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Post by jadedsage on Jul 22, 2003 16:13:19 GMT -5
Sounds much like my relationship with my own mother at the same age. The only other thing I can add, is that it really does get better for most of us. Time is a wonderful thing. It could be that your mother is just having a more difficult time letting go of the image of "her little girl" than you think. It would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to give a difinitive reason though, not knowing you mother myself. But speaking myself from a mother's point of view, that could be a factor in this, or not. Again, not personally knowing your mother, it means little more than speculation.
Hang in there, BB
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Post by Saille on Jul 23, 2003 16:45:30 GMT -5
I have been reading both of you go back and forth for a couple of days or so now. From what I can tell, it seems as if you are rushing your childhood a little bit, and a lot of your focus seems to be on this one boy. I understand very much what it feels like to "be in love". I am a teen myself. I wasn't going to say anything for fear of you thinking I was belittling you or totally misunderstanding the situation you are in. It's just that, you are reminding me so much of myself that I couldn't resist saying something. I live with my grandmother...and if you think mothers are stubborn...lets just say grandmothers can be so set in their ways that it's hard to take anything they say seriously. Anyway, I fell hard for this one boy, and my grandmother didn't approve of the relationship because she felt I was "wasting time" with him. I just thought she didn't care about anything but controlling me. And in some ways, that was a little true...only, she has some insight that I couldn't really have at my age. When my relationship with this boy came to a close, I started to see that she was right about a few things. There was so much I wanted to do with my life, and my whole life had been centered around one person. I was too young to get so attached. I mean, if I were still with him...my life wouldn't be near as good as it is now. And it was so painful getting over him...it took almost a year. I have learned so much though...about balancing my life. While, most girls our age are sexually mature...sex is a huge step, and it can get in the way of us keeping a reign on our emotions. Your mother may not understand you one bit, but she is still a woman...and she also was once a girl. She knows the power sex can have over a girl. She probably wants to protect you from getting too attached (she seems a little late). The thing is, you are young...no matter what you think, and I am too...I just have to face it (even though I feel much older because of all I have been through). And I think you should consider what kind of future you really want, and if you really want to have only been with one guy in your whole life. Don't lose yourself in another person...if I could keep every girl from getting so caught up in their first relationships so young, self-esteem would be a lot higher in most girls. No one can really keep you from seeing him. No one can stop you from caring for him or being sexual with him. You have your own will, and you are in control of you. I just ask that you take in what I have said and make some good choices...you will have to live with the results. Isn't that what the path you have chosen (Wicca/Witchcraft) always talks about? Don't get me wrong, love is a good thing...blind love is another story. I wish you luck, and don't forget to ask the Divine for a hand. Spirituality aids you in all areas of your life.
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Post by jadedsage on Jul 23, 2003 19:58:59 GMT -5
excellent advise indeed, and wonderful corelations for her to relate to. Perhaps you will reach her where I could not.
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Post by xxx Amanda xxx on Jul 24, 2003 13:59:51 GMT -5
well there is not much more i can add to both of your advice. i just want to ask if your mother knows you are thinking of moving out? maybe if she did she would see how serious you are. Have you and your boyfriend both tried sitting and talking to your mother? i can under stand why she would worry about you but i can also see how much you care about him. i just want to say one more thing every relationship feels like love when you are 16 (believe me i remember just make sure he feels as passionately about you as you do about him. i wish you both all the luck in the world i hope everything works out for you. love and light xxxAmandaxxx
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milknsnickers
Junior Member
A silent witch beneath the silver moon works, A howling in the distance heard...
Posts: 40
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Post by milknsnickers on Jul 24, 2003 15:18:32 GMT -5
I want you all to know that I'm not taking your advice close-mindedly, and I do see that what you are saying is valid, but I have a few statements to make:
I'm not trying to rush childhood in anyway, and my life isn't centered around him or anything like that, I allow myself to live my life just like every other teen. There is still alot of stuff I want to do with my life, but me being with him isn't going to stop it. In fact, he understand that I'm still 16 and will insist, I do everything I must to fulfill all of my dreams and to fully experience everything I can. He's one of those people that gripes at me for not doing my homework, of making a bad grade, because he knows I can do better.
I know exactly want in the future, and nobody is going to stop that, not even him, and the only was he will affect it is if he is involved. I actually wouldn't mind being with him my whole life, he's that kind of guy. I haven't lost myself in another person, I'm me with or with out him, thats not gonna change. This isn't exactly my 1st relationship, although the few others turned out even worse then this one seems right now. And my self-esteem isnt low, I know you were refering to most girls but I just thought I'd put that in.
No, I haven't told my mom about my wanting to move out. I dunno whether that would help or not, although that isn't the main reason, but probably the stick that broke the donkeys back(oh great I'm using old cliches now). Yes we have sat down and talked to her, but we are going to try again... or are considering trying it again.
I know what you mean because I have had a couple relationships before that felt like love, but later found out it wasn't, but I would like to point out that those all lasted 3 1/2 months or less and were ended mainly due to lose of interest, an argument that ended in a sloppy break up, or a small complication in the relationship. Before this I had never come out of a relationship hurt (or at least that hurt), and have always been the one to end it. I have never given second chances at relationships, or hung on this long. I'm not trying to say these are the makings of true love or anything, but when you feel for someone so strongly that you break all the "rules" (and I don't mean lowerin my standards or breaking my boundries by that) you set down for relationships, stop caring what people think of you, and not only you push yourself to be a better person, but they push you to be everything you can be, I see it as something worth hanging on to and fighting for. Also. I am sure that he feels just as strongly about me as I do for him, I can't really explain it because its a) a heartfelt thing and b) you would have to be able to know him the way me and his really good friends do.
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Post by Saille on Jul 25, 2003 4:42:57 GMT -5
You have proven to me that you listened without being close-minded. You seem like a wise girl with a good head on your shoulders. I hope that you work things out. You are so mature! I honestly feel for you as far as your situation with your mother. I hope that she sees your maturity as I do now. And from how is sounds, your boyfriend seems like the supportive type...that's a wonderful thing. Thank you for clearing all that up for me. Just make sure you enjoy yourself. ::smiles:: You being so mature might make you forget that. I wish you luck, and I hope you fulfill your personal dreams and I also hope that your relationship remains healthy with your boyfriend. Thanks again for taking what I said into consideration without thinking that I was talking down to you. I am glad you have considered all of the negatives. It's good to know that there are girls out there that stay true to themselves. May the Lord and Lady guide you. love light and laughter always, Saille
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